ahhh. breath of fresh air. i'm leaving tomorrow. Yay.

it's weird that it's summer. it's weird that i'm home. i'm back at camp on sunday, so things will be good.

i guess things have been pretty hectic lately. Finals week was kind of a bitch. i wasn't taking care of myself like i should have...i definately was not getting enough sleep. Wednesday night was really fun...i mean i had to go to dinner with my family 2 hours later than expected, but it was all good. i went to the beach with a huge group of friends and it was really nice. afterwards i went home and packed, and the next morning i left bright and early for staff training....which was the boooomb.

Everyone, even the new staff, was really nice and fun and basically amazing. we ran so many LSD's (lost swimmer drills), including one kinda random one that happened while i was changing into my suit, and i had to dive in a bra...i mean not fun. i'm really proud of myself and my group of kids and how well we've adjusted to the staff thing....LSD's weren't always a piece of cake, but i'm definately much more comfortable now. i did positions 1, 3, and 5, and i swam 11 (but not in a drill). it's scary under the barge, but definately not as bad as i thought it would be.

friday night was the sweatiest night of my life...it was about a bazillion degrees and good old Vince came in to teach us square dancing....it was hilarious and completely amazing. everyone was like marinating in their own sweat...so gross, haha.  after square dancing we had this amazing jam session in the dining hall...jj played the piano until his fingers bled (literally), ben and a couple of other people were on guitars, someone played the banjo, and rob played his fiddle, and everyone else had drum sticks and morraccas and triangles, and it was the most fun night of my life. we just played loud ass music for like an hour. everyone was just singing and shaking morraccas and dancing around, not exactly fully clothed...it was amazing. after all that craziness died down, we played a game of 10 fingers by the waterfront swings, and ended the night with a nice talk on the B&C pier. it was just such an amazing night...so crazy and fun and care-free. i wish i could live it again and again.

I had decided not to work 1st session because i wanted some time at home and i didn't really feel like working child care, but leaving kinda sucked. it's okay, it's just 5 days. it's fine. it's just weird because i've felt like a total hermit since i've been back...i kinda just want to chill by myself and lay out in the backyard or watch movies. i guess i just really need this chill time to myself because things have been so busy for a few weeks...i haven't had much time to myself. i'm happy to be able to recharge my batteries and leave on sunday. i can't wait for 2nd session.

Yesterday i saw "i am a body", kira's show, with rachael and emily. it was really good...i think kira's such an amazing person, and i know that it must have taken all those girls a whole lot of courage to talk about such a personal thing. it was hard to watch at some points because i have friends that have had such serious body issues that hospitalization has been necessary, and i know that i haven't always had the healthiest perception of myself. i don't have six-pack abs and i don't have Beyonce's booty and i have crazy curly hair that drives me batty sometimes, but i'm happy with myself. there's nothing like looking in the mirror and thinking, "i'm beautiful", especially knowing that you haven't always felt that way. i wish that everyone could forget about the silly things that keep them from feeling beautiful. that would be my wish for the world.

i'm sleeepy. time for a nice long nap.

why is summer so amazing?

Love, Laurel

i feel really weird right now. i think it's a combination of the fact that i've had half the sleep i'm used to the past few nights, and also i'm on my ADD meds. more zombie than usual. i think i need a nap.

Tomorrow, i have English...the book fair. and that's it. i'll be done. for some reason, it's incredibly hard to believe. i don't know why. i almost want to say that i'm not really ready for it to end, but that's not it - i've been counting down the days for ages...this whole semester, i've wanted school to be over. there's a lot about this year that i'm very glad to leave behind, but i guess i just wish i could go back to where i could fix things. at this point, it's questionable that i'll get in anywhere for college. i guess i made a pretty big mess of things this year. i feel guilty, but mostly because i know people are disappointed in me.

lately i've been unhappy, and i don't know why. there hasn't really been anything happening to make me unhappy. i hate that...feeling upset for no reason. i really don't know what it is. i guess it could be the stress of ending the year this way...this badly. there's a lack of closure. maybe that's why it doesn't feel real, that my summer starts tomorrow.

i'm being irrational. i really just need to take a nap. all i have left is an hour and a half with my favorite class and favorite teacher tomorrow, and then it's summer. i'll be at camp the day after tomorrow, and when i come back from staff training on Saturday, i'll have a week of absolute summery bliss to look forward to...at the beach all the time. then two weeks at camp working kitchen with a dream team of ninja turtles, followed by one week at home to recoup and pack for my three-week service trip. finally, two more weeks being a counselor, and then a good few weeks of chilling before senior year starts. it's going to be amazing. i don't know why i'm in a bad mood right now.

you know, this year was not that awful. things can't always be amazing, and nobody can spend their whole lives without ever feeling like shit. we're human. things happen...problems arise, actions are regretted, whatever. you just have to bounce back. you can't live your life just waiting for the next bad day. these things we go through, like have to happen...nobody really escapes them. you're going to get your heart broken sometimes, you're going to cry like a baby sometimes, you're going to fail sometimes. i think sometimes people percieve me as being a person that never gets sad, but that's ridiculous...everyone gets sad. every now and then i  have to play motivational speaker and give myself a pep talk. like now. i feel really stupid for having wasted like 4 hours of my day being in a bad mood when life is seriously good right now. i barely have any work left to do, summer starts in one day, and i'm going to be at camp before i know it...things are good.

ahhh. much better mood. now all i need is a nap.

Love, Laurel

I REALLY WANT:

1. Sarkis
2. my mom to get the HELL off my back about school
3. my Trig tutor to fall off a cliff and DIE
4. Summer to start and junior year to be OVER
5. everything to be okay

if things dont change within 4 seconds i'm going to seriously explode. i hate school, i hate my mom, i hate everything. get me out of here.

Hi!

DePauw was amazing, and U of I was reaaally big, but beautiful. I'll apply to both, i think.

last night was one of those amazing nights that come out of nowhere. I went to Matt's and played Scattergories, and then we all decided to get ice cream, so i was like, "LET'S DO THE VERMONSTER!" We went to Ben and Jerry's - blasting Beatles all the way - and got this amazing masterpiece bucket of ice cream - 20 scoops of ice cream, 4 bananas, 4 fadles hot fudge and caramel, 3 chocolate chip cookies, 1 chocolate fudge brownie, 10 scoops of walnuts (did we get that?!),  2 scoops of 4 favorite toppings (rainbow sprinkles, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate chips, gummy bears), and like a pound of whipped cream. It was amaaaaaaaaaazing. Anita and Tessy were definately the MVP's of that action....they dominated. I think it's necessary that we make t-shirts that say "We SLAYED the Vermonster" on the front, and all our names on the back. soon, man.

So then we went to the beach and messed around for a while, and Jono jumped in, even though it was FREEZING. the cops came, but they were amazing. they shined their brights on us and over the loudspeaker thing, the cop was like, "ALRIGHT, everyone in the water. NO, you're going the wrong way. You're all grounded." So we walked out and said hi and everything and they were really nice, and then they peeled out of there....the car was like, scccccccoooooooooooo, and they sped off down the street. it was hilarious.

Chewey and Gizmo are here for a week while Matt and Jolie and the baby are out of town, and gizmo looks like a total rat because she got like a buzzcut. come see them, it's hilarious.

I went to Anita's softball game today with steph, matt, abbey and jono. it was cool. they lost, but anita's the bomb.

AHH I ALMOST FORGOT! it's DILLO DAY, bitches! i know matt nathanson is going to be there, but i have no idea who else! but we're going, call me. aaaand if it rains we're going to the volleyball game, so either way, tonight will be amazing!

Have a nice day, everyone!

seniors - congrats! you made it! have fun at prom.

Love, Laurel

It's been kinda weird, but i'm happy.

13 more school days left (counting today), plus 3 days of exams.

No 1st period this morning because jones is out...i love getting to wake up gradually.

Sorry that i don't really have anything significant to say.

Love, Laurel

Yesterday we were driving to the Birkenstock store in wilmette and the sun was shining and the windows were down and the wind was all in my hair and it smelled like summer. it was like, the perfect moment.

Today i got to leave early because my chem ap test is tomorrow....geneva, rach, halley, melissa and i went to sarkis and then melissa's house and had lots of fun. i mean i'm really not planning on studying.

I hope it's sunny tomorrow. cloudyness makes me sleepy.

Love, Laurel

This week is like, stress mania. It's pretty frustating but i know i just have to like get through the suckiness and it'll be okay.

Ahh i'm going to miss aquettes so much! i'm really proud of how it went tonight. I had such an amazing, fun time this season. i'm really going to miss the seniors. I just looooove aquettes. i don't care if people make fun of it. it's just so fun.

I keep thinking about how we're almost done with highschool. I mean, we're getting there. i know that by next year i'll probably be ready to go, but right now....i just want to be with my friends and be a little kid and have fun. i don't want to like go to college and grow up and have to deal with like, the real world.

It's just so bizarre to me that in a year i'll know where i'm going to go to college, and right now it's a complete mystery. it's like that with life. right now it's like my life is a book and i'm living it out page by page, and in the future i'll probably have a career and get married and do all those big life things, but right now, it's all unwritten. i have no idea what will happen to me. it's so crazy to think about. like realistically, where will i be in ten years?

I'm so exhausted, but i'm in a good mood. sleepy-happy. I think things are going to be okay, with school and everything.

goodnight!

love, Laurel

I took the day off. It was much needed, and, actually, semi-productive.

It's freezing in here. And it smells like "meadows and rain" Febreeze. My brother and his stupid friends smoked in the basement and he's trying to air the house out before my aunt comes here to stay with us while my mom's in Florida. My brother basically sucks. if he wasn't around, my mom would let me stay here by myself, and it would be amazing. oh well.

So the show last night was kiiiiinda disappointing to me. i mean, it was okaaaay. tonight should go a lot better.

umm yeaaah i have a bump on my head (ballet-leg smackdown in the face...nice) and a foot-sized bruise on my leg. dangerous waters in that pool!

i'm listening to raul midon. nida! where did he goooo?

Ahhhhh i like, dread school. I want to leave so badly. i want to go on a big adventure somewhere. sitting in a desk all day is like, true torture. ooh well. that's life, i guess.

wait i need to share this with you guys. just came on random.

( shooooop )

Okay, lots to do before the show.

Happy friday everyone!

Love, Laurel

i'm getting sleepy, but i'm in a great mood. dancing around to music is the funnest thing ever. it just makes you happy.

show week is just starting out. the pool is a cool 84 degrees. the signs are up, and the suits are out. Tomorrow's PIRATE DAY, and i'm so excited. I bought an eye patch from Osco and i've been wearing it all night. i think i was meant to be a pirate. it just feels right.

just finished my stupid chem AP thing. You guys, NEVER NEVER NEVER take chem ap. i'm not kidding. signing up for that class was the worst mistake i've ever made in my life. i'm serious. but as abbey said, once i get done with it, i can be like..."i made it, i'm the bomb!"

S'mores Pop Tarts are amaaaazing.

Today Jon and I took part in a little photo shoot for our friend's Senior Studies project on twins. It was cute...we both wore yellow, like little rays of sunshine. Holler, i'm famous.

Okay, time to go get in bed. Ahhhhh i love sleeping.

Goodnight everybody!

Love, Laurel

today was a really great day. seriously. i had a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day...my first one in a long time. i hope tomorrow's like this.

holy crap. i spent Sunday morning barfing. a lot. it wasn't fun.

Today was the first day back at school. It could have been a lot worse.

I know i say this every time, but this quarter needs to be different. like, i'm serious. if i don't work my ass off, i literally have no future. it's okay. somehow 4th quarter is always my best, every year. i can do it. i know i can....i just have to get my shit together and actually do my homework at home.

It was amazing to get back in the pool today. you know when your body feels like it's working like a machine, and it's like...it's all in harmony?

Mr. Denney is like, officially our teacher for the rest of the year. He's really quite amazing. He makes me want to be a teacher someday.

So about this audition. for The Foreigner. I think i'm going to pass on this one. i dont know what it is....i guess it's really difficult for me to be out of theatre class and still believe i can do it. and if there's one thing i've learned, it's that if you're completely un-confident going into an audition, you might as well skip it. there will be other plays. anyway, i don't need to be putting more on my plate right now.

Abbey gave me the idea to direct the timber ridge musical for my senior studies project next year. How much fun would that be? i would definately do it, except i think i might want my project to be a little more...beneficial for the community, i guess. I kinda wanted to start a tutoring program or something. I do want to work with kids. Maybe the play is a really good idea.

Well I'm going to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Love, Laurel

you know, honesty is a bizarre thing. who am i being honest to? myself? you people? well, honestly...i honestly don't know what honesty is these days.

is it okay to lie to yourself? sometimes i think it is. sometimes if you tell yourself that things are a certain way, you'll trick yourself into thinking that's how it is. it's true. and there's nothing wrong with that, i feel. so if i tell myself that school will be a pleasant experience, that's okay. it might be a complete lie, but that's okay.

so i'm sitting here, drunk enough to feel it but sober enough to want to write in this little thing. or maybe, drunk enough to want to write in this little thing. what do you think?

here's some honesty. honestly, nothing is easy. nothing. you might think something's easy, but thinking back, you realize it wasn't....and that's life. i'm wasting these days and it makes me a little sad. sometimes i love this little rollercoaster ride. sometimes i wish it would just derail already, but you know. i'm here. you're here. something tells me we'll get through it together.

you know when you hear things and you cant tell whether its a dream or not? i had a sort-of-dream about a boy. he was hurt and i was happy. isnt that a little sick? but you know, it's just me trying to be okay with this and trying really really hard to be nonchalant. good word, by the way.

it's just me and i swear to God i'm okay. you know that. i am. i want you to know that. i dpom know, maybe im not. is anyone, really? but here i am talking talking talking and saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....and i know what i really WANT to say is partly untrue and partly just makes me really sad.

you know, as long as i'm here and i'm stol; driml i might as well say what i really mean for once ad ihpope for the courage not to delete this in the morning. REALLY, how i really feel, is that i feel like really absent from this all. its my life and somehow its happening, but im not sure if i'm really here. and theres a lot of reaons for that. dont think you understand because i know you dont. you dont understand and you probably never will. never will.

 dont wabnt to go away for school. not that i'l get int o college, but if i did....i dont wnat to leave. but sometimes ALL i want is to get the hell out of here. i dont know.

why didnt i audition for anythign alll year? really, why didnt i? i dont know. its the most terrifying feeling up there in front of everyone...it's Judgement Day and you're just completely open and vulnerable and they can stab you all you want. i dont know i guess i havent had time but really ive been scared that maybe i'm just not that good and how wouldi know you know? and im not in theatre class, because i'm wasting my time taking chem ap, which i'm failing, and feeling miserable.

just get me the hell out of here becaue i've waited forso damn long/

herbert's play is coming up. i mean auditions are. i'm going out on a limb for the first time iall year.

dont you ever want to skip all the growing up? i want to get married and have a happy family.wouldnt that be beautiful?

the growing up is tiring and scary and i'm tired ofsitting here waiting waitng i dont even know what i'm talking about now.

just know honestly, HONESTLY. HONESTLY, i want you to be happy.

with me.

okay time to go get into bed. you know i was watching my so-called life earlier, and you know how i always cry in movies and tv? i had my blankie there and i was just thinking what a wondeful feeling it is to have my blankie against my cheek......its like i remember i t all and it was always there against my cheek, soft and perfect and nevr-changing because it'll always be the=re. isnt that beautiful? it'll always be there.

okay i mean it now time to go get into bed. i feels like this big comfy nest and maybe i never have to leave. maybe i'll spend all day in there tomorrow. sleepying and reading and tiinking. i lovelovelove my bed.

love laurel

Ahhh, the world is a beautiful place.

Yesterday, Anna, Claire, Alli, Natalie and I drove up to Michigan to stay at Anna's cottage for a night, just the five of us. It was wonderful. Anna's cottage just feels like home, it's hard to explain. When we got there, we relaxed for a while, and then went grocery shopping and came home to cook a wonderful dinner! We had spaghetti, salad, and about 345,600 cheese-and-crackers...thanks alli. haha. We walked down to the beach and randomly ran into Anna's family friend, this guy Max, and a bunch of his friends. They were really nice. We watched the sunset...which was beaaaautiful....and then went back to the cabin, baked brownies, played taboo, talked, layed on the beach looking at stars, listened to music and just chilled until the wee hours of the morning. When we woke up we ate bananna pancakes and listened to Jack Johnson at breakfast. AMAZING. I feel so incredibly rested and like, peaceful and happy. I have this whole week ahead of me, and it's going to be wonderful.

sometimes it's just not your turn.

my dad used to tell me that.

Okay, i'm definately over-emotional right now. the Pope died about five minutes ago, and when i found out I shed a few tears. I mean, the Pope is wonderful and all, but it's not like I knew the guy.

This morning i had a three-hour hair appt! it was crazy.

So Spring Break has officially begun. Club Laur will be open all week in my basement, for those of us that are staying in the same zip code. Don't worry, kids, this is going to be amazing. You have my word.

Ahhh i really need to go to a party tonight. Keep me updated. Nida, time for "no cop, no stop"!!

Love, Laurel